“wait, I’ll be back.”
It was that single line that touched my heart.
More than often did I find that all the fortuities having occurred in my life were, as a matter of fact, fortunes; or, fortunes fortuities. I don’t have a clue, but shit, like successfully nailing the exact girl I was deeply in love with right on the day after college graduation, or stuttering my way to a popular English teacher, happens.
This one time, I earn crush from some really gorgeous girl while she’s not single. Me, neither. FML!
I, amorally, if not immorally, provoked that naive part of her heart, attempting to withdraw all the evil intentions as I have been. I bet that’s what each and every male human being tends to do. However, I could hardly articulate what I intended to say with such shame when hearing that the dude who dates her calling from the other shore of the Pacific Ocean just to say “wait till I’m back”. He’s the one, while I’m just some random dude who possibly only wants to go dirty.
I had to turn back and reluctantly waved goodbye, still with shame.
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March 30th, 2009
By this day, Paulism.cn is:
- IE7, IE8, Firefox, Apple Safari & Netscape, fully compatible.
- IE6 fully compatible except that lines between articles are still invisible, and the alpha transparency issue still remains. On Mar., 28th, 2009, IE6 does not support the search function now…don’t know what the bloody hell is wrong…
- Google Chrome not compatible for all H titles are displayed as gibberish!! Don’t know what the hell is going on…
- Opera not well compatible, but who cares: there’s scarcely anybody who are using it…
Anyway, I feel good, ‘cos Paulism, after 3 months under development, is now almost fully cross-browser compatible. Enjoy your stay! :)
April 16th, 2009
Up to this day, Paulism had been full-fledged; Paul Tang is gonna start BLOGGING!!!
April 19th, 2009
To this day, Paulism, except for some minor problems in Opera and IE6, is arcoss-browser compatible and, needless to say, perfect. Cheers! ;)
“My exes wrote poetry for me. They even made animated pictures for me. That was so sweet… But look, what have you done for me seriously?”
“Baby, I kiss you on the cheek everyday. I even gave hyperthetical kisses to you by means of phonecalls, short messages and online talk when we are apart. Isn’t that sweeter?”
“Shut up, you insensitive and inconsiderate jackass. I’m the kind of girl who needs authentic tender consideration.”
(Rendered speechless and awkwardly simpering…)
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We three, John along with his girl and I, happened to be in a public restaurant, where there is abundant in all kinds of food. Having not had breakfast, we were truely hungry when it was time for lunch. We therefore went to a section which serves Hot Pot. We asked if there was any economical set menu for we just wanted to save the kuai. The answer was they only had the Lovers’ Set Mune. For sure it’s something funny for three to have what a couple is spposed have, but to save the kuai, we did it.
I haven’t went on a date with a girl since 3 years ago, and haven’t recalled that vague but unforgettable memory for long. I take it for granted, and that’s what I always do, but wriggling along like a vampire of no love, nor sorrow, makes you hollow as well; I am conditioned to solitude, and that’s what has been around since then, but it can never be ignored. Drenched in the rain, she and I laughed and cried; drenched in the rain, I am glassy-eyed. Chances were that I could take back what I claimed and decided, and chances are that I might only meet her in dreams.
I don’t feel like expressing any apology or regret but having that Lovers’ Set Menu, someday, somehow, with whom I could fix my affections upon once again.
Lust is one of the Seven Deadly Sins. Most kings, emperors whose temporal power is of great divinity, in retrospect, failed to defend themselves from it. It launches no substantial raid, but its irresistible mesmerization rids you of any defence, strength and dignity, and its mammoth charm puts behind its bars, making you a prisoner. Once you are fixated on it, you’d better beg and pray if you find it too punitive to tolerate; once you are obsessive with it, you’d better stop moaning and shouting but resort to yourself for help – you are the most horrifying enemy of yourself.
Loneliness is something you have to accept, bowing to the inevitable. It is a token of futility of fraternizing with those who are right at your side, or of clicking with whom you adore. It makes you a pusillanimous weirdo, wearing a mask while interacting. No one knows your situation, no one understands the reason, and no one cares about a thing. You are hiding from every one. Very much alike, you’d better stop crying for aid, because the inventor who designs it is you, yourself. You are capable of unassembling it, but others destroying it.
I’ve been wondering if I dared risk amplifying my lust simply during my period of loneliness, and I thought my forgivable misdemeanor counted for nothing. But I neglect the mutual responsibility that was raised, that puts burden not only on myself. I may either remain in the zone to keep everybody suffocated, or get out of there, abandoning everything, and barely leaving a few drops of tears there. I thought I was playing a game, but it’s a game that I bound to lose.
The Buddha tell us that we are supposed to march to the nirvana; I tell myself that it’s so hard. The Buddha say that we all have a Karma of some sort; I say that I’d like to last my loneliness for another ten years.
Naivety lies in masquerading as a man of chivalry, while the patina of gentility cracks easily; naivety lies in striding with arrogance for a moment, while instantly being nowhere and way far from one’s destination;naivety lies in concentrating on the origin of the bad, while neglecting one’s own origin of that; and naivety lies in indoctrinating people with one’s own belief like a pedant, while remaining a savage.
I wish there were a panacea that could fulfill my redemption from naivety rather than being made conscious by the sincere tone of a girl, or a peremptory tone of a kid.
I was seldom cognizant of it until the other day when the reunion between me and my confidant occurred. Then I realized that sometimes I put many efforts to safeguard my dignity, or delusions of grandeur, but to no avail, and in the meantime when I persist in my own rule of thumb, I make people perplexed, even some of them hurt. And because of it, I have said goodbye zillions of times to the ones that I adored, I pined for, and that were supposed to belong to me.
Socially and morally, I have been a giant; emotionally and sentimentally, I am still a pigmy.
By the way, naivety lies in where you are not able to be aware of it, maybe ever.
